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Happiness, a Healthy Mind, and Your Self-Confidence

August 14, 2012 By Lena 2 Comments

I don’t know whether it’s the heat of summer, or something to do with my various ailments, but lately I’ve been questioning my own mental health. There’s nothing quite like an attack of the brain farts to make you wonder just how intelligent you really are. And believe me, feeling like you’re the most stupid being on the face of the earth can really do a number on your self-confidence.

So in an effort to cure myself of the brain freezes (or “Ruthieisms” as my son likes to call my moments of sheer idiocy) and the resulting blows to my already fragile confidence, I went looking for ideas on how to improve my own mental health. What I found is that there is a direct relationship between happiness, mental health, and self-confidence. And the more I think about it, the more I think you really can’t have an abundance of one without affecting the other.

Seven Tips For Boosting Your Mental Health and Confidence

1. Live your life

There’s nothing quite like not living to sap your confidence and your mental strength. Decide what you want to do with your life and then go out and do it!

Dreaming about what you’d like your life to look like is a good start, but you’ll never get any further than that unless you woman (or man) up and take some action to achieve them.

2. Stay away from negative people

We’ve talked about negative people and how they can sap your confidence before, but it bears repeating because they can also affect your mental health just as much as your confidence. So just in case this is your first time here, stay away from negative people!

You won’t be able to change a negative person into a positive one, and you shouldn’t really try. It’s not up to us to change other people, only ourselves. So as much as you may love someone, if they are being negative toward you or your dreams, you really should try to limit your exposure to them.

Anyone or anything that causes you to doubt your dreams or your ability to achieve is a threat to both your mental health and your self-confidence. (Tweet This)

3. Pay attention to things like diet, exercise, and sleep

How we care for our bodies really does affect the health of our minds, so make sure you eat right, get regular exercise, and get enough sleep.

There is a growing body of research that shows the links between your physical shape and your mental health, so take care of your body and you’ll not only be taking care of your mind, you’ll be boosting your confidence too because you’ll look and feel so much better.

4. Create your own happiness.

This is one thing you have to do for yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness, just as I am responsible for my own happiness. (A fact I can conveniently forget when someone else messes with my plans!)

Seriously though, both your confidence and your mental health suffer when you’re not happy. Figure out what makes you happy, and then go do it.

5. Find a hobby that makes you happy.

You don’t know how much having a hobby or a passion that you love to spend time doing means to your confidence or your state of mind until it gets taken from you.

All my life I’ve played the piano. My dad was a piano teacher and I started when I was about three years old. It was my solace, my comfort, and my security blanket all through my teenage years. I knew I could get through anything with Bach, Beethoven and the boys. And then my abusive ex sold my piano. I was devastated, and didn’t have my one hobby that I’d kept up all my life to help me through the rough times. Which, in retrospect, was his whole purpose.

Anyways, to make a long story short, the first thing I did when I got back on my feet again was buy a new piano. Once I started playing again, I started to feel more like my old self — happier and more confident just because I was able to spend a part of each day doing something I love.

6. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your abilities.

Regardless of whether you’re working at a job, for yourself, or on a hobby that you love always put your heart and your best effort into it. There’s something to be said for being able to feel proud of your work.

If you put in a half-baked effort, you get half-baked feelings of fulfillment back from it because you know in your heart that you didn’t do your best. I don’t know about you, but the guilt from doing only half an effort eats at me so badly that I get no enjoyment at all if I’m only going through the motions. And we all know what guilt can do to our mental health.

It’s got to be all or nothing, done with generous amounts of heart and soul for me to really get enjoyment out of it. “Play big or get out of the game” is my new motto, and it works great for creating happiness and building self-confidence.

7. Develop a support system

Last, but certainly not least, surround yourself with a support network of people you love, and who love you back. We humans are social beings and we were not meant to go through life alone.

Just having a friend who will listen to you when you’re feeling down or overwhelmed can do more for your mental health than all the psychiatrists in the world put together. (Of course, if you think you’re suffering from depression or other mental illness please, please, please, seek professional help.)

Having a strong, emotionally supportive network is your safety net for when the going gets tough. (Tweet this)

I can tell you from my own experience of being isolated for years, that if I would have had a strong and supportive network of family and friends, things would have been a lot different. In fact, I can credit most of the healing I’ve done in the past year directly to a supportive network of women I’ve never met in person. They have done more for my health — mental and physical — and self-confidence that I will ever be able to thank them for.

Happiness, your state of mind and your confidence are all connected, and having all three can lead to living life to your fullest potential. Stay cool, exercise your mind, and use these tips when you need a little boost.

Thanks for being here!

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Finding Your Confidence in the Little Things

August 14, 2012 By Lena Leave a Comment

building self-confidenceWhen we think about building our self-confidence, it often seems like a huge task. If you’ve been beaten down so often that you have no sense of self left, trying to get it back can be a task that’s the equivalent of riding the entire Tour de France on a tricycle.

It’s better to pick your battles and find your courage — and your confidence — in the little things. As you’ve no doubt heard before, there’s nothing wrong with baby steps, because with each baby step you take, you find a little more of the confidence you’re looking for.

So what are some of these little things you can do to get your confidence back?

1. Change something about your looks.

When we get stuck in a rut, sometimes we can’t see ourselves in a different light, because we changed how we look in years. Keeping the same appearance is a big safety net, because it’s comfortable and familiar, even when you don’t necessarily like it.

Gather up your courage and go get your hair cut, or try a new shirt in a colour you’ve never worn before. I can tell you from my own experience that this works wonders for both your self-esteem and your self-confidence.

When I first decided I was ready to rebuild my life I did two things, both at the urging of my then-teenaged son. I cut my hair, and I bought some bright coloured clothes. For the five years before that I’d let my hair grow to halfway down my back, and it was a mess (to put it politely). The look didn’t suit me — long hair never had but I let myself be talked into growing it out — and I’d worn pretty much nothing but black t-shirts and sweatpants the whole time. So my son signed me up for golf lessons as a Mother’s Day gift, then dared me to go and get my hair cut and buy some new clothes… and I was not to come home with anything black! I couldn’t believe the difference. When they say that getting your hair cut is an easy way to lose ten pounds, they’re not kidding. I not only felt ten pounds lighter physically, but I also felt about a hundred pounds lighter emotionally and confident enough to take on the world.

You don’t have to do a complete makeover to transform the way you feel about yourself. Just one little thing like a haircut or a new shirt can make all the difference you need to start moving forward with your life again.

2. Practice using positive body language.

This is a little thing that seems like a pretty big thing when your confidence is on vacation. Body language is a great indicator of confidence, and if you’re lacking it you most likely tend to stay hunched over, eyes down, trying desperately to fade into the background.

Stop that!

Instead, try one little thing each time you go out and interact with people.

Start with learning how to look someone in the eye. This requires you to stand up straight and hold your head up, so automatically you’ll look a little more confident even if you don’t feel it.
It takes some courage to do this if you’re not used to it, but each time you do raise up your head and make eye contact you build more confidence for the next time out.

The other thing that goes along with unconfident body language is an unconfident voice. Have you ever noticed how people with low self-esteem tend to talk really quietly and mumble?

Once you’ve mastered the art of making eye contact, add speaking clearly and confidently to your repertoire as well. I won’t lie and tell you that you’ll be able to do it overnight. It will take some practice if you’re not used it, but I know that you can do it. Just as I know you will feel so much more confident each time you’re able to make small talk or carry on a conversation in a social setting.

3. Stand up for yourself.

This should probably be number one on the list because building up your self-confidence and self-esteem is ALL about being able to stand up for yourself. However, I put it down here because it’s something that you may have to work up to. It’s another little thing that’s really a big thing when you do it.

Here’s the thing… Most of the people I know (myself included) who battle with low self-confidence weren’t always like this. We were confident people, with jobs, lives, relationships, etc. that we knew how to deal with. And then we gave our power away to the wrong person. We let someone else tell us what we should wear, how we should look, even what we should think in some cases and in doing so we stopped standing up for ourselves!

So being willing to make a stand, and say “This is what I believe in, this is who I am” is a really big deal and something that takes a lot of courage. And it may take you awhile to get to that step, and you may have to start small. Even something as seemingly insignificant as saying “I don’t want fish for dinner” can be your first little step at standing up for yourself if you’ve not done it in awhile.

It takes courage to build your confidence and self-esteem up when you’ve lost them. Taking baby steps like changing how you look, using different body language and learning to stick up for yourself will help you grow more confident and stronger as a person. You will be well on your way, moving forward to reclaim the life you were meant to live!

Photo Credit: © Glanum | Dreamstime.com
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5 Rules for Building Self-Confidence

August 13, 2012 By Lena Leave a Comment

rules for building self-confidence

If you’re anything like me, when the word “rules” gets mentioned, it’s time to run the other way. So I’m going to ask you to bear with me here, and if you really have an issue with the “R” word then think of these more as guidelines for building self-confidence instead.

I know that it’s entirely possible that you are struggling with doubts that hold you back from reaching your dreams and your potential. You may be a little timid in situations that present obstacles to your success because your self-confidence isn’t quite where it should be.

The rules/guidelines I’m going to share with you today can help you boost your confidence so that you will feel confident in any situation, roadblock or no roadblock.

Self-Confidence Rule #1

Remember that you were created for a purpose and you’re the only one that can do what you were put here to do!

Each one of us has a lot to offer the world, and you are no exception. All you need is to discover the passion inside of you and agree to leave your comfort zone in favor of a life filled with joy.

Self-Confidence Rule #2

Get to know yourself better. It’s much easier to be confident in yourself when you know who you are!

One big obstacle that holds you back from living the life you deserve is a lack of knowledge of who you are. Sit down with a pen and paper, and ask yourself these questions:

  • What would you dare to attempt if you knew it was impossible for you to fail?
  • What are your dreams? What did you dream about doing and becoming as a child? What have you always wanted to attempt?
  • What are your talents? What do your friends and family say you’re good at? What abilities have you received compliments on?
  • What are you excited about in your life right now? What’s great about your life?
  • What parts of your life do you wish to improve? What steps can you take to improve those areas? Whose help could you enlist?

When you begin to get clear on who you are, what’s important to you, and where you’re headed, you’ll begin to feel empowered and in control of your destiny. This confidence seeps into every area of your life. Allow your passions to fuel your confidence and stir you to action that will move you forward in the direction of your dreams.

Self-Confidence Rule #3

Act confident even when you’re not. The more you pretend …umm practice… the more confident you will become.

You may have heard of this one already, as it’s commonly known as the “fake it ’til you make it” rule. One of the quickest ways to gain confidence is to pretend you’re confident already. It may seem silly at first, but if you begin to move your body and speak like you would if you were confident, you’ll quickly gain self-confidence.

If you’re not sure how to do this, do some people-watching and look for confident people. Ask yourself these questions while you’re checking out the human scenery:

  • How fast does a confident person speak?
  • At what volume does she speak?
  • How does she gesture with her hands?
  • How fast does she walk?
  • How does she move her body?

Pretend you’re confident by moving your body in confident ways. Your motions will follow the movement of your body.

Self-Confidence Rule #4

Find a confidence mentor. Who do you know that’s already confident? Ask them to help you be more confident too.

Confidence breeds success. As you accomplish the things you set out to achieve, your confidence in your abilities will grow. You can experience this increasing confidence by trial and error. Or, you can shorten the learning curve dramatically through a mentor.

Search out the person who’s the best at what you’re trying to accomplish. Approach that person and ask them to show you the ropes. Ask them to show you how they arrived at their success and how they maintain it. With a mentor, your chances of success increase dramatically, thereby strengthening your confidence.

Self-Confidence Rule #5

Believe in yourself. Trust yourself enough to know you have the ability to go for your dreams and achieve them!

Confidence in yourself and your abilities is within your reach. Starting today, you can begin to feel the ease that comes from faith in your own abilities and talents. By following these rules, you can take seemingly small steps that lead to a giant reward. Increase your confidence and begin to experience the successful life you deserve.

That wasn’t so bad was it? If these are rules you can live with, let me know in the comments section.. I’d love to hear how they work for you!

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Let Go of the Past for a Confident Future

August 11, 2012 By Lena Leave a Comment

let go of the past

Let me be blunt for a moment…

One of the biggest reasons for low self-confidence and low self-esteem is getting stuck in the past.

Deep down you know that there is simply nothing you can do to change the past. No matter how many times you wish you’d done something differently, the past will always remain the past.

You must find a way to, once and for all, be done with your regretful feelings. When you continue to fret over the past, you allow negative feelings to consume more and more of your life, and more and more of your confidence. Once you’ve put a stop to it, you can think positively again and start moving forward.

Getting Stuck In The Past

It’s easy to get caught up in the past. It’s like this web of memories and that pulls you in and once you start thinking about it all the emotions that surround those events works to keep you there.

No-one is perfect and, no matter how hard you try, you’ll still continue to make mistakes. It’s how you handle the mistakes that will make the true difference in your life.

If you’ve made a mistake or suffered a tragedy in the recent past, don’t allow it to replay in your head over and over. You’ll continue to relive the negative feelings as if you were continually going through it. If you’re a follower of the Law of Attraction, you know that what you focus on expands, and you really don’t need to be expanding negative feelings and energy when you’re trying to rebuild your self-confidence.

No one deserves this! Instead, you have two choices, you can actively work on correcting your mistake, or you can let the feelings go because they’re not helpful to you in that moment.

Learn Your Lessons and Let Go of the Rest

There are lessons to be learned in every mistake you make no matter how minor it might be. The goal is to work on discovering what these lessons are.

When negative feelings surround you regarding your past, focus on the lesson learned. Maybe you would have never learned that lesson without the mistake. And now that you’ve gained this wisdom you can avoid making that mistake again in the future.

You can take everything one step further and do more with the lessons you’ve learned. Perhaps you can raise awareness by telling others about your experience. If you can help others avoid the same mistakes, you’ll be doing something great for the world. It’ll also help you feel better about the situation. This is one of the main reasons I share my story of being a survivor of spousal abuse. If sharing my story just helps one woman regain her sense of self and her confidence, then it’s worth it to me to have gone through what I did to get here.

Depending on what you’ve gone through, there may be a mourning period associated with your situation, but you’ll eventually need to let it go. Since you know that nothing can change the past, letting go can prove to be very liberating.

When you let it all go, you learn to forgive yourself and forgive others. Forgiveness is such an important thing to promote in your life. It allows you to grow as a person and blossom forward to enjoy all that life has to offer. You weren’t meant to sit around mourning the past no matter how tragic it’s been for you.

How Resentment and Negative Thinking Hurt Your Self-Confidence

Whatever it takes, you need to do your best to avoid resentment and all negative emotions. Resentment is a poisonous emotion that can go out of control if you don’t deal with it.

You’ve probably heard of people who have had a falling out with a family member and resentment keeps them apart for the better part of their lives. Think about all the good times they’ve missed out on because of this bitterness! All that bitterness and negative emotion saps your confidence because instead of remembering the good parts of your relationships, you only remember the negative events.

When it comes down to it, sometimes you keep telling yourself you’re over it but the negative thinking keeps creeping back into your life. You need to fully realize that the only person you’re hurting is yourself. When you beat yourself up over something that you can’t change all you’re really doing is beating down your own self-confidence and self-esteem.

For example, let’s say you’ve hurt someone’s feelings. You may think about this day and night until you can’t take it anymore, and you have to seek this person out to apologize. The person might not even remember what happened, or they may just accept your apology. The point is you suffered with negative thoughts until you sought forgiveness.

Another example is what happens when someone hurts you. If you’ve been abused, you know how that can drain not just your self-confidence but your whole sense of who you are. Even after it stops, it takes awhile (sometimes a lot longer than awhile) for you to stop seeing the whole world through the lens of abuse. Since your confidence is in the gutter, you question your choices, and worse, you question the motives of everyone around you. Every single person you come into contact with has to pass the “Will he/she hurt me” test and every single decision you make has to pass the “What if I make a mistake again” test.

Until you can let that go, you will have trouble moving forward.

The bottom line is that there’s no need to cause yourself any more suffering than you already have just because you made a mistake. Once you accept that you have learned from your past, you can let it go and learn to trust yourself to make better choices. With every piece of the past you send on its way, you’ll regain another piece of your self-confidence.

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Taking Care of Yourself By Saying No To Others

August 11, 2012 By Lena Leave a Comment

taking care of yourself by saying noDo you find it difficult to be assertive and say “no” to people’s requests? Since there just aren’t enough hours in the day to appease everyone, the art of saying “no” without hurting the feelings of others is an important skill to acquire.

One of the best ways of taking care of yourself is to be assertive and say no when you really don’t want to do something. Do you recall in my earlier article on how being assertive helps to build yourself confidence I said that when you are assertive you have the freedom to really ask for what you want? Well, it’s not just about asking for what you want — being assertive also allows you to say no to the things you don’t want too.

Now, before you think I’m advocating being mean, you should realize that just because you are saying “no” doesn’t mean you have to be rude about it. There are plenty of polite, yet assertive, ways you can tell people “no” when you need to.

Here are some ways you can take care of yourself by saying say “no” without being rude or impolite:

Say “no” to now, but “yes” to later. “I’m very busy at the moment. Perhaps someone else can help you. If not, I’ll have time later in the week to help you out.”

This is a great way to say “no.” It’s assertive, but also positive and kind. You let the person know there’s no way you can do what they’re asking at the moment. However, you give them the option to ask someone else or wait until you have the time to help out.

Say “no” unless something changes. “I’m very flattered that you’ve asked me. However, I’m not currently in a position where I can take on this responsibility. Could we talk about this at another time if there’s a change in my circumstances?”

This statement says “no” while still being very polite. You let them know how thrilled you are that they’ve asked you, but then you’re honest about how little time you have to commit to their request.

The definitive “No.” “I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not able to do this. I’m afraid I’ll overextend myself.”

With this statement, you express regret for disappointing the person, yet you still let them know that this is a solid “no.” No doubt they’ll understand you don’t want to overextend yourself, which makes them sympathetic to the plight you’re in as well.

This answer is very kind and polite. Plus, it allows them to understand where you’re coming from.

Say “no” to attending an event. “I had a great time before, but I won’t be able to make it this time since I’m already over-scheduled.”

Sometimes you may get asked to an event you don’t want to attend or that you just don’t have the time for. You don’t have to feel obligated to go. This statement lets the person know you’ve had a great time in the past, yet you’re over-scheduled or busy this time around.

Say “no” to loaning money. “I really wish I could but I make it my practice not to loan money to friends and family.”

Money is one thing that many people ask for from their friends and family. It’s a difficult situation since you don’t want to insult them or hurt their feelings. This statement is a nice way to be assertive and say “no” while still being kind.

You let them know that you wish you could loan them the money, yet you go on to explain why you won’t. You make it clear that this is the practice you have for everyone, and you’re not just saying “no” to him or her personally.

For some reason, parents often feel the need to always say “yes.” Whether it’s working at a PTA function, helping in your child’s classroom, or going to yet another classmate’s birthday party, you may feel like these are things you must fit into your already busy schedule.

However, you can take control of your family’s calendar – and your sanity – by saying “no” to some offers that come your way.

Saying “no” in a pleasant tone of voice won’t lose any friends; but it will allow you to set boundaries for what you are and are not willing to do. This should not only help you build up your self-confidence, but will also alert others that taking care of yourself is important to you and you respect yourself enough to assert your right to say “no” when the situation calls for it.

Image Credit: Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Four Ways to Acknowledge Your Inner Beauty and Boost Your Self-Esteem

August 11, 2012 By Lena Leave a Comment

inner beauty and self-confidenceIt seems that these days almost everyone is focused on physical beauty. Someone’s intelligence, personality, or status is all perceived by their outward appearance. So where does inner beauty fit in?

We all have inner beauty, however, whether or not we’re aware of it or utilize it is up to us. Inner beauty is something that’s profoundly more important than physical beauty. It’s something that you must nurture and cherish, and something that plays a huge role in building up your sense of self-esteem.

When you develop your inner beauty, your self-confidence seems to miraculously improve as well!

Here are some strategies that can help you discover and develop your inner beauty:

1. Make an “I Love Me” list. This is a powerful tool to help you discover your inner beauty. Write down all of your good qualities that don’t relate to something physical. Are you sweet? Sincere? Love animals and children? All these attributes and a host of others relate to your inner beauty.

The process of writing out your strengths gives you tangible evidence of your great inner qualities that you might not have even been aware of. When you see all these qualities written out in black and white, you’ll also give your sense of self-esteem a big boost.

2. Surround yourself with those whose inner qualities you admire. Of course, they may also have physical beauty, but the reason you’re drawn to them is because they’re caring, loving, gentle, or otherwise admirable because of their inner qualities.

When you surround yourself with these kinds of people, your own inner beauty tends to shine through also. They may even point out your inner beauty to you. People like this look beyond the outer shell and focus on what’s important inside.

You are beautiful3. Practice cultivating your inner beauty. Most of us know how to take care of our physical beauty: we get our nails and hair done, we stay in shape, buy new clothes, and so on. But taking care of the inside isn’t something we always pay enough attention to.

Remember, when you discover and improve your inner beauty, physical beauty follows. Think about a time when you’ve met someone and weren’t attracted to their physical beauty at first glance, but once you got to know them and saw their inner beauty, they began to be more physically attractive as well.

What can you do to bring out your inner beauty? It’s simple: Be real! Be authentic! Be yourself! Show beautiful qualities like compassion, love, and patience, and practice them daily.

4. Avoid negative people and talk. Gossip and negative comments about others breeds more negativity within you. Instead, focus on the good in people. Rather than saying an off-color comment about someone’s appearance, put a positive spin and focus on a point of his or her inner beauty.

This will help you cultivate and develop your own inner beauty, too. Focusing on the positive qualities of others brings out the best in you, too!You’ll also find that you’ll attract people because they enjoy being around you. Attracting loving and caring friends is just icing on the cake!

Final Thoughts on Your Inner Beauty

Your inner beauty is unique to you. Unfortunately though, many of us don’t know how to celebrate and honor it. Unleash your inner beauty to the world! Don’t be afraid of it.

Use these tips to show everyone your inner beauty and you’ll gain an amazing and unshakeable self-confidence!

Photo Credits:
Moonflower – AnitaPatterson / MorgueFile.com
Butterfly – Mensatic / MorgueFile.com
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